I used to think there was something weird about me because I liked to watch my shit get flushed down the toilet. I’m one of those. I like to inspect the job.
Then one day, like a true idiot, I realized there are really only two options: two watch or not. If there are only two choices, I couldn’t be special.
When I was in high school I’d ditch class and go to Taco Bell. As I’d masticate my way through a taco I’d ponder foolishly about how you could tell a lot about somebody by the way they eat a taco. Now I know you can’t tell shit about a person by the way they eat a taco.
But if somebody eats their taco from the middle out, then throws their trash out on the highway and goes home to beat his wife; well, you can tell something about someone from that.
I used to think that homeless people were like urban leprechauns, spotting one was good luck. Now there’s a homeless transvestite rummaging through my garbage every morning and those aren’t pots of gold (s)he leaves behind.
This is all part of getting older, I suppose. Bitching about the way things are. The Andy Rooney effect. You’re so set in your way you can’t imagine that there could be any other. We feel so much better about how we’re doing when those around us are doing worse. It’s what most of us talk about, how each other are doing it wrong.
What does it really mean to be a Libertarian? I don’t know.
Karen O is the heterosexual male’s Cher.
I’m very deliberate in my randomness. The chaos of my personality is a charade.
Some wise man said, “The Eternal is still.” When you don’t know who said it, it’s always safe to say ‘a wise man.’ What it means, or at least, how that applies to you and I, is that over time, all the little hurricanes of our lives aren’t going to mean a thing.
That’s why old people laugh at you when you tell them your problems. They’re not crazy. They just know that the truth is a pretty funny thing. That by the end of your life you’ll barely remember any of it. I gather at the end you realize that all along you didn’t have a clue, and neither did anybody else, and that’s tragically hysterical.
There are tunnels underneath this city that they built during the war. They were there for the citizens to take shelter in if the Japanese bombers ever came. They never did. Now there are just homeless people down there. Living in the dark.
It was still Christmas but Nordstrom’s had already taken the tree out of the window to make room for the New Years Sale. In this country it’s necessary to capitalize Sale. They’re events. People get killed.
Eye contact is like accents, they vary region to region. In this town it’s very rude to appear pleasant and peaceful. You must always appear like there is somewhere more important and cooler to be.
‘You try to be all things to all people — you end up looking like an ass.’ I think some wise man said it.