“So I was all. And she was all… and then, like, we both were all…”

“The perfect woman doesn’t exist. It’s like the 103rd element in the periodic table.”

“Why say you have time to kill? How about time to live it up?”

“Oh, man. I couldn’t believe that she was wearing that… it was so bleh!”

“Did you see Slumdog? It was all kinds of goodness.”

“If only I had a car I would be able to score some babes. Chicks just want to date dudes who have rides.”

“I hate riding in elevators with people who hum. They’re so creepy.”

“I’m going to save up my money and buy a condo on the 32nd floor and spit on all the people walking down below. That’ll be my revenge.”

“Every time I see a stray dog on the street I almost feel like crying, but a homeless person elicits nothing from me. Am I a monster?”

“Hey, Johnny, you’re an asshole of historic proportions. Seriously! But I want you anyway.”

“It’s not that I thought you were lying to me, it’s just that you were disguising the truth. A sort of quasi-lie if you will.”

“I’ve always wondered why they call it split pea soup. You never see a split pea in there. It’s more like pea soup puree in my book.”

“I’m not a dirty old man, I just say what’s on my mind. And it’s always dirty. But really, I wash up rather nicely.”

“I’m confused. I want you badly, but I hate you so much.”

“Men are afraid of a strong woman like me.”

“The English are like their muffins, so plain compared to us Yanks. The gregarious and ostentatious Chocolate Chip Fudge muffin is bordering unholiness.”

“There is a place I go in my head anytime you’re talking, and it’s got four walls, a window, a rug, and no you.”

“Anything good that happens to me I think was a mistake, when the bad stuff comes I can’t help but feel reassured that the universe really does hate me.”

“Sometimes you have to know when to let it go, other times you have to know when to fight like hell. Right now I just feel like having a ice cream cone.”


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