Sarah Palin Rhymes With Van Halen

The first thing I thought today when I saw the announcement on CNN was Sarah who?

You should have seen me. I had a big bewildered, tilted head. Big gaping hole for a mouth. She kinda looks like Joan Cusakfrom School of Rock, I thought to myself. I didn’t know who she was. CNN had to tell me. Sarah Palin, rhymes with Van Halen. Oh, okay. And apparently she was the governor of Alaska since, like, Tuesday.

Very well.

I still didn’t get it. Really, McCain? What are you trying to pull?

On the face of it, it seems like a really dumb move. Unless we’re talking, literally, her face, because she’s somewhat cute for a politician, I guess… but in every other category it seems to really count toward McCain’s detriment. It hands Obama/Biden more legitimacy on Experience and Foreign Affairs since she holds, well, zero experience. Why would McCain shoot himself in the foot on his two main arguments? Is there something I’m not getting, because I’m really dumbfounded here? It’s almost like a joke.

This is many people’s first introduction to her. It was mine. It reads like the opening lines to a cheesy screenplay. A vehicle for Sandra Bullock’s big comeback.

In two short years, Sara Palin moved from small-town mayor with a taste for mooseburgers to the governor’s office and now — making history — to John McCain’s side as the first female running mate on a Republican presidential ticket.

She has more experience catching fish than dealing with foreign policy or national affairs.

It’ll be a hit. Ray Romano will play her husband!

I’m assuming he thinks this helps him in the ‘groundbreaking’ category.

Perhaps he’s hoping this will peel off some of those disaffected Hillary voters, the ones I’ve never met. These mythic creatures of the electorate that hide among us, shop at our malls, and embed themselves in our PTAs might switch parties for the chance at getting one of their own into the #2 role, that thought is what causes John McCain’s tongue to swell up and lop out of his mouth like  a dumb dog daydreaming of catching cars as saliva pours cartoonishly onto Cindy’s good Williams and Sonoma couch, the one ensconced in Stepford, their 6th house, of course the 7th house is a castle he leases to a curious balding man who loves the digs due to his strange obsession with little blue creatures that live in the surrounding forest; these, like his condo in the real O.C, he forgot he owned mostly because he doesn’t pay taxes on them. They say Memory and Maverick-ness are the first things that go.

It’s a gamble. Are there more female voters out there who will change sides because Palin is one John McCain heart-stopping orgasm away from the presidency, or will more countrified crackerasses say, ‘I ain’t voting for no black guy, but I don’t want dat broad eitha’! I’m sitting my can outta this one.” ?

Okay, I do a horrible hillbilly accent.

My point is there might be a number of racist in swing states that hate chicks that won’t vote because they’re poor sports, hopeless, no-good ol’ coots. They’re a whole voting block somewhere, I’m sure. I live in one of the blue wings of this great country, the areas doing all the work so the eagle can soar, and they’re here too, stinking the place up with their bullheaded simple-mindedness, butting heads with progress and logic willfully and passionately, proud somehow of their aversion to knowledge and dudes that know things. To an atheist, God Bless America sounds like Let’s Hope America Gets Lucky. And as an atheist I believe we have to work for our blessings by competing, adapting, and (gasp) evolving. This is a woman who tried to push Creationism in Public Schools. 

We have to stay fresh, innovate, educate.

We need a leader for the 21st century. Abraham Lincoln 2.0 Barack Obama. Quote me on that shit.  

As someone who believes in the dark magic of words, McCain/Palin sounds kind of like McCain ailing. Biden put a steel toe on Obama’s soft slipper sounding name. obama/Bi-DEN. Take it for what it’s worth, I kind of think, in a small way, these things matter. It’s a phonetic thing.

Oh, and remember that celebrity argument? Pfft! Blown out the water.

Typically seen walking the Capitol halls in black or red power suits while reading text messages on Blackberry screens in each hand, Palin made a recent appearance in fashion magazine Vogue.

“At first they had me in a bunch of furs,” she said of the photo shoot. “Yeah, I have furs on my wall, but I don’t wear furs. I had to show them my bunny boots and my North Face clothing.”


In 1984, Palin won the Miss Wasilla contest earlier, then finished second in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant, which won her a scholarship to help pay her way through college. In the Wasilla pageant, she played the flute and also won Miss Congeniality.

Between Obama’s home run last night and McCain’s squiggly ground-out of a VP pick this morning, I’m feeling pretty good about the campaign as we settle in for the middle innings. Obama is going to get a handle on McCain’s knuckleballs pretty soon and start to lay the bat on the ball. All we have to do is keep talking about the truth, the failure of this administration, the potential for more, for better. We have to reassure those who are scared, who don’t know much about Obama, who fall prey to the scurilious email campaigns that it’s not about Barack Obama changing things, it’s about the hundred million plus Americans who are behind this thing.

We have to remind our fellow citizens that destiny is something you make. An African American kid growing up in Hawaii, Indonesia, schooled in Southern Cali, Harvard, then working in the communities on the South Side of Chicago one day — today — becoming President through passion, intelligence, and leadership is one hell of a thing to feel good about. Why the hell should I feel bad about being inspire? I’m a proud Yankee Doodle right now!

Does it just burn, McCain, that I’m a staunch Hollywood Liberal bursting with patriotic fervor at the idea of Barack Obama moving into the White House? It makes me giddy. I’m ejaculating red, white, and blue.

80,000 packing the stadium to hear him speak, 40 million watching on T.V; and you’re whining about the noise and the kids walking across your lawn, trying to belittle what you’re not, showing the thinking of a very simple trogldyte. You’re like the Matlock of Politics. John. A petulant sourpuss stuck in an old mode of thinking when it comes to policy trying to mask the staleness with a craven political gimmick. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks. 



3 thoughts on “Sarah Palin Rhymes With Van Halen

  1. Are you kidding? Palin is a Republican wet dream: she shoots, she kills moose and other wild game, she has animal skins on her walls, she’s pro-life and pops out babies like a bitch in heat, she calls herself a pitbull with lipstick (not a pig with lipstick), she wants to open up Alaska for drilling, she probably drives a great big SUV, she’ll leave her down syndrome baby to bend over and take it however McCain wants to give it, with a smile on her face! And you don’t know why he picked her? He made a great choice. Makes complete sense to me.

  2. I think I was blinded by immediate reason and logic. Now that a week has gone by and the normal idiocy has yelped their warped views through the multi-media megaphones they own, it does make perfect sense!

    Those rascally Republican done it again dabnabbit.

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