Vampires, Karma, Ugly Prisoners, and a Headless Writer

My God. These things still happen in the world.

GEORGETOWN, Guyana (AP) – A crowd of Guyanese villagers lynched an elderly woman they accused of being an evil spirit who drinks the blood of human babies, police said Monday. Authorities in the South American country said the woman raised suspicions with unusual behavior and was set upon by villagers who apparently believed she was an “Old Higue”—the equivalent of a vampire in the local Obeah religion that blends folk magic and African rituals.

What I love about the Internet is that right at the bottom of this article there is an advertisement for property in Guyana.

How tragically ironic.

How morbidly poetic.

Visit Guyana: come for the beaches, stay for the witch hunts.

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My chi is out of whack.

I need to swallow a cobra heart to get my chemicals to cooperate again.

Gotta get my karma on track.

Do some yoga with a magic crystal taped to my shoulder and to my shin.

Anyone know a good shaman?

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The other night I was watching MSNBC. It was late, so you know it was an “expose”on either child molesters or prisoners.

It was the later.

Female prisoners.

One of them was a big butch chick with a menacing tattoo on her neck of a dragon and a manly voice that can only come from smoking cartons of cigarettes a week and/or owning a penis

Her name was Lindy.

Lindy was explaining how her fellow prisoners would 10-4 (cover) for her and her girlfriend while they had sex, since it’s against the rules, by pretending to have seizures or otherwise diverting the guards’ attention.

It was rather sweet and innocent in a dehumanizing, animalistic sort of way.

Touching. Terrifying.

It got me thinking; why are lesbians always so big? I’ve seen some trim and tight ones, don’t get me wrong, but most of them not only got junk in the trunk, they got it up in the front seat, back seat, spilling all out the windows and the sunroof.

Just when you think it’s some stereotype, out comes a study by some science geek to prove it.

Ulrike Boehmer of the Boston University School of Public Health and colleagues looked at a 2002 national survey of almost 6000 women, and found that lesbians were 2.69 times more likely to be overweight and 2.47 times more likely to be obese.

“Lesbians have more than twice the odds of (being) overweight,” the authors wrote.

I started thinking about prisoners, and a fact stuck out to me. It exploded in my brain like an atomic thought, expanding by osmosis. I realized that about 95% of criminals, male or female, are on the butt-ugly end of the looks scale. Scars. Facial tattoos. Bucket-teeth. Lazy eyes. Swollen lips. Chewed-up ears.

Prison is a holding tank for society’s runts, rejects and ogres.

In our criminal psychology-obsessed culture, how come we’re not sounding the alarm about the connection between criminals and their looks?

Sure, you could argue that looks are objective; but stroll through a prison yard, white, black, brown, what you see is the motliest collection of the unadmired, unloved, and undesired. Why does no one point this out? Could ugliness lead to emotional desperation; the kind, combined with financial desperation, that is breeding ground for poor choices?

We interview every psychologist in the country to figure out if Cho was obsessed with movies, or hooked on video games, or was it wrestling? Teachers are eyeing creative writing assignments with heightened suspicion and dust them for prints now.

While we’re at it, should we lock up all the fuglies while they’re young?

“What is it, Mr. Johnson? Am I in trouble?”

“Johnny, I hate to break it to you but you’re hideous looking, really grotesque. We’re going to have to put you away for society’s safety. Who knows what kind of horrible crimes your unpleasant looks will lead you to commit one day?”

“But Prom is on Friday, Mr. Johnson.”

“Like you have a date, pizza-face.”

“It’s just a couple of zits!”

“Tell it to the judge, Johnny.”

*******************************

Love that new car smell.

Don’t dig on the cancerous chemicals we’re breathing.

Still, love that smell!

I even buy the air fresheners shaped like a tree with the new-car scent, although I’m not sure I want to be hiking and come across a tree in the forest that smelled like a new car, it might freak me out.

The Ecology Center says that the intoxicating new-car smell is hazardous to your health — for about three years from initial purchase.

[…]

Of primary concern are bromine used for flame retardants, chlorine used in plasticizers and lead used in plastics, as well as arsenic, copper, mercury and nickel that have been linked to allergies, birth defects, impaired learning, liver toxicity and cancer.

What are they going to tell us next? Cell phones are bad for you?

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This is me after a long day of beating my head against the wall:

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At least a couple of times a night a helicopter will fly over my house, right outside my window. I’ll look up and swear I can see the pilot looking down at me.

They must use the freeway for navigation.

I hear the sound of their blades first, then look up and see the blinking red light overhead.

When it’s foggy I don’t see them at all, just hear them.

They might be angels, beating their wings real fast.

Tonight was clear. I could see to the roof of the planet and beyond.

One of them flew by so low I could see he was eating a Three Muskateer’s bar.

******************************

Even your cells don’t want anything to do with you. They’re always trying to mutate and die. Don’t blame them. It’s the march of time that you have a grudge with.

You try to hold on, but even photos change.

Breath.

Air.

Lung.

ARTOFSTARVING.

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