The Onion- Congressman Boehner's Terror Alert Skin Set Back To Orange
- In Focus: Sniper Draws Moustache on Crosshairs
- Opinion: Excuse Me, But I'll Be Handling The Gentleman's Discourse For The Rest Of The Evening (by A 750-Milliliter Bottle of Whiskey)
- Sports: Tim Duncan Makes Citizen's Foul Call
- Increasingly Horrified Man Listens To Self Explain What He Does For A Living
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